by Brittany McSorley
Any Cape Cod social media marketing firm worth its salt (get it?) knows the ins and outs of Instagram. But here at KDC, we like to dig a little deeper when it comes to social platforms.
Ever since sharing my courageous, hard-hitting piece on stereotypical Facebook friends everyone seems to have, I’ve been thinking about the other side of the coin: stereotypical Instagram friends everyone seems to have. I know what you’re thinking: Brittany, you’ve already done more than enough in the name of journalistic integrity. And I truly have. But the Book and the Gram belong together, and I couldn’t leave this topic only half explored. So as a special holiday treat, here are some more social media stereotypes we’ve all scrolled past:
The Would-Be Influencer
The would-be influencer has big dreams. They see the true value and potential of Instagram as a tool for communicating with the masses. Usually, however, they don’t have enough followers to warrant their social media practices. They are tragically addressing an audience that simply isn’t there. “A lot of you have been asking about my skincare routine,” begins a long-winded caption on an over-edited selfie recommending a YouTube video that will inevitably be nine minutes too long. No, Rebecca, we have not been asking about that. A maximum of forty people will ever see this. Please don’t go live on Instagram. Call your parents.
The Invisible Man
Here’s a little something I’ve learned in my travels: Men are having an easier time of it. This is especially true when it comes to social media. I suspect it’s because they weren’t taken aside at the age of eleven and informed that their physical appearance would define their worth for the rest of their lives, or at least until their late thirties, when their skin’s elasticity would begin to weaken and render them societally useless. Because they’ve been spared this life-long trauma, men generally aren’t inclined to take many photos of themselves, leading to the online phenomenon of the invisible man. Try to internet-stalk a man between the ages of 24 and 47, and you’ll be elbow-deep in an Instagram feed featuring not their own image, but instead an eclectic mix of dogs, mountains, sandwiches they felt particularly close to, cars, and, only once in a blue moon, a blurry groomsmen photo from their friend Chris’s wedding.
The Eager Beaver
The eager beaver fears nothing. This incredibly bold individual posts to Instagram once a day. To the grid, you guys; not to their story. These are permanent posts. Sometimes it’s more than once a day! This is wildly unnecessary at best and a sign of violent insanity at worst. Does something notable happen to you once a day? Certainly not. I personally haven’t been moved by the events of my own life in weeks. But the eager beaver doesn’t think twice, sharing a selfie here, a vanity plate they chuckled at in traffic there, and so on. Please check on the eager beavers in your life. Something is often troubling them.
The Jet Setter
The jet setter uses their Instagram account as a cool and trendy travel diary. Their bio is a combination of the plane emoji, the word “wanderlust,” and a random selection of airport codes. The jet setter is always making their followers green with envy as they soak up the culture of exotic locales such as Orlando, North Conway, and Orlando again but in the spring. They’re especially difficult to deal with at this time of year, as they’re fond of making jokes about receiving plane tickets as holiday gifts. Enough.
The Overzealous Professional
The overzealous professional needs you to know that they work in business doing business-y things. It is crucial that everyone understand just how business-laden their life is. When they aren’t posting photos of boardrooms and airport lounges, they’re sharing crap to their story that they saw on Forbes. Did they only read the headline? That’s not important. They’re intense go-getters. They live to make deals. They have not seen their family in weeks. They have a stationary bike in the garage. If you look them in the eye, they will CC you on a frustrating email chain before you can say, “We all have jobs, David. Relax.”
The Desperate Marketer
The desperate marketer owns their own business and would really like you to know and care about it. Recently, a trusted friend told them how important it is to be cool and casual on social media in order to relate to target demographics, so they’re often sharing videos of cats and clumsily dropping terms like “lit” and “mood” into their posts. Unfortunately, nobody told them they should separate their personal and professional accounts, so it’s a real mixed bag. The journey is uncomfortable to watch, but impossible to look away from. Oh god, look; they’re using hashtags.
Now that we’ve had some good clean fun ruthlessly judging others, I wish you all a lovely holiday season. Eat, drink, be merry, and remember: Every time a bell rings, a regrettable Instagram post gets its wings.