by Brittany McSorley
Over the course of the 75 days I’ve spent isolating inside my apartment, I have developed several healthy coping mechanisms. They include:
- Narrating all my writing in Carrie Bradshaw’s voice inside my head
- Using Amazon Prime to order a $13 replica of the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic, wearing it constantly, and admiring myself in every reflective surface in my home
- And scrolling through Instagram to see if anyone else is handling this as well as I am
The necklace and the Carrie voice are really paying off in terms of my mental health, but Instagram is also pulling its weight, mainly by presenting me with in-app advertisements that are distracting, amusing, and sometimes simply baffling. I thought I’d share a few of the ads I’ve come across in my recent social media travels and how I feel about them, because we’re all in this together.
Glossier, please. Like I’ll ever need makeup again. Though I am very grateful that my eyebrows have been given this respite to heal from all the damage I did to them in the early 2000s. Still, now is not the time.
Is all shampoo and conditioner essentially the same, or do I just have to keep searching until I find the brand that changes my life? Also, what day is it?
A painful reminder that not only do I have zero dogs, but some people have two. Ugh.
I don’t care how bad things get; ankle bracelets are not back.
Why the hands? Do I kind of like the hands, or do they freak me out? Is this fun and unique, or have I lost all sense of what’s reasonable? Impossible to say.
I don’t love the design, but this is great advice that I will be incorporating into my Bradshaw bit ASAP.
Neat! A small living space! There is currently an enormous demand for cramped indoor areas!
Again, makeup is but an artifact now. A relic of a different time. A reminder of the way we once lived and shan’t ever live again. Just kidding; I spent like a hundred bucks on Sephora’s website days ago.
HOW DARE YOU. I WAS BORN IN 1990. WHY DO YOU THINK I LOVE TITANIC SO MUCH? THESE SHIRTS MEAN NOTHING TO ME. REMOVE THEM FROM MY SIGHT AT ONCE.
Is this supposed to make me want a hot dog, hot sauce, or a dip in the pool? Does Tapatio make hot dogs? Are they going for gas station chic? Unclear, but this image makes me wildly uncomfortable.
Um. No, thank you.
I hope your own Instagram ads are providing just as much entertainment these days. But if they’re not, I really can’t recommend the Heart of the Ocean enough.