by Brittany McSorley
Ha! I knew you’d click on this, you embarrassing fool. Are you serious? Astrology isn’t real.
But like, is it? It’s not, except for sometimes when it definitely is. But most of the time, no. Though, sporadically, it seems legit. However, it’s a sham. Right?!
I think astrology is a fun concept you can explore when you want to get to know yourself but don’t necessarily want to go to therapy, or be honest with your friends, or admit you stole your neighbor’s dog and registered him as an emotional support animal. Plus, it’s very satisfying to hear yourself described in a way that resonates, even if that description comes from a stranger on the internet whom I always picture as Professor Trelawney with a vape pen. But it’s not like the characteristics assigned to our zodiac symbols are necessarily spot on all the time. It’s probably just a coincidence that every Cancer I know is an unhinged emotional maniac. And being raised by divorced Geminis was fine. I’m fine.
Anyway, at the request of absolutely no one, I’ve organized online platforms according to the stars. As is customary, you may now find your own sign and ignore the others, but please circle back when you’re done to read Leo because that’s my sign and I will literally die if you don’t acknowledge me, and I’m not sorry for feeling that because the cosmos made me this way, okay? I am an embarrassment of riches and I’m doing my best.
Aries: MySpace
Aries are fearless fighters and pioneers. They will initiate where other signs may not be so bold, just like MySpace. We have sweet, innocent MySpace to blame for all of this. What hath Tom wrought?
Cancer: Tumblr
Cancers are nurturing and sensitive. They value intimacy and emotion. They cry a lot. (Look, there’s just no other way to say that. They do. They’re criers.) Tumblr is the cozy, safe counterpoint to the ferocity of other social platforms. Like, if Tumblr were a person, they would always be making you tea. And crying. Always crying.
Taurus: LinkedIn
Taurus gets the job done. This sign is a provider who craves security and stability. And when you want stability on the internet, LinkedIn is there for you with job opportunities, articles about practical, of-the-moment matters, and networking invites from your old biology teacher, somehow.
Leo: Instagram
Leos are bold, expressive, confident, and regal. (I didn’t say regal just because this is my sign, okay? It appears in several descriptions. Seriously, back off. It’s exhausting how jealous you guys are of me.) Instagram is the Leo platform because it offers unlimited opportunities for self-expression, dramatic declarations nobody cares about, and tantrums. Oh, the tantrums. Also, filters.
Gemini: Twitter
Versatile and collaborative, Geminis often have personalities with two distinct sides, and you never know which you might be about to interact with, which is fun and not at all stressful. Its corresponding social platform is Twitter, because on the one hand, many gifted authors, dedicated journalists, and other respected figures engage in important discourse there. On the other hand, Trump.
Virgo: Pinterest
Virgos are helpers. They work hard and prioritize wellbeing. They have solutions, and so does Pinterest. Did you forget that you have to make a diorama with your dumb kids? Are you looking for a quick dinner recipe that only calls for black beans and an almost-empty can of whipped cream? Are you planning your wedding to Jake Gyllenhaal again? It’s all taken care of.
Libra: Hootsuite
Libras are graceful, cooperative, and balanced. They seek peace. Hootsuite, a management platform, integrates all of your social media chaos into one calm dashboard so you can take a much-needed step back and talk yourself out of moving to one of those tiny houses in the Pacific Northwest. Deep breaths, everyone. We’re going to be okay.
Capricorn: Facebook
Capricorns are structured and disciplined. They have trouble letting things go. They play the long game, often for too long, much like Facebook. This stubborn platform proved to us that you can avoid irrelevancy by simply denying it super hard for several years until you bite off more than you can chew and accidentally rig an election. Bummer!
Scorpio: Reddit
Scorpios are intense and focused, often forming strong bonds and committing deeply to what they care about. On Reddit, this manifests mostly as a frenzied collective desire to solve incredibly violent crimes. Keep up the good work, guys! It should also be noted that Scorpios are sometimes sociopaths who can under no circumstances date my best friend. Lesson learned. Hey [REDACTED], if you’re reading this, I still hate you. Also, you wear stupid shoes.
Aquarius: Wikipedia
An innovative sign, Aquarius is often looking to the future, prioritizing justice and humanitarianism. Like Wikipedia, Aquarius will tell the truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Go ahead, look up Wiki’s “Timeline of the far future.” What’s that? You don’t want to think too hard about the inevitability of not only your own death, but the death of our universe? Aquarius doesn’t want to hear it. Now give Wikipedia a few dollars, you coward. The JonBenét Ramsey page isn’t going to update itself, and Reddit needs that timeline.
Sagittarius: YouTube
Has that seriously had two t’s this whole time? Huh. The more you know.
Sagittarius is adventurous. Those born under this sign take risks. They dream big. They crave excitement. They upload embarrassing videos with admirable abandon. They remove those videos later before applying to grad school. They realize too late that the videos garnered more views than they bargained for and now they’re famous in Belarus. They’re handling it.
Pisces: Yelp
Pisces are compassionate, imaginative, and romantic. They have healing energy and are often a source of great comfort to those around them. Yelp has food. The defense rests.
