5 Social Media Tools I Just Made Up and How They Work

by Brittany McSorley

Much like slow drivers, my hair, and politicians, social media has been letting me down lately. I guess women have to do everything now, so here are just a few of the online services that would drastically improve my life but sadly do not yet exist:


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E-nough: This translation tool helpfully edits work emails by removing all the polite padding you’re forced to include in order to keep your job, simply delivering the bare-bones, wildly aggressive version of each communication so we can all stop wasting our time. I mean, you’re going to die one day, man. Why shouldn’t you let John know that you don’t respect him even a tiny bit? If he isn’t going to shut the door to the microwave after removing his depressing Lean Cuisines, does he even deserve your careful verbal tiptoeing? One hundred percent no! He’s like 50! It’s a microwave! Ah, capitalism.


Regrettable: This integrated calendar workspace coordinates with your recent ex’s relatives, with whom you got super close before the breakup, to ensure that every family function for the next few years involves at least three mentions of you in the form of probing questions about what went wrong. The premium service guarantees that you’ll be referred to as “lovely,” “accomplished,” and “definitely not hard to stomach socially. Why would you even say that, Brian? Sounds to me like you were the problem.”


InstaGram: It’s Instagram, but only for nanas. It’s much more pleasant and supportive than regular Instagram, and it has those strawberry hard candies.


ShopSafe: This app syncs with the security cameras at your local grocery store and lets you know when to go shopping after taking into account how full the parking lot is, how many bags of Goldfish are in stock, and whether or not that one judge-y cashier is working, because I don’t need it today, Denise. I’m in no mood.


Italix: This is a safe, comfortable messaging space for those of us who need to use italics in all of our written communications and are infuriated that modernity hasn’t come up with a way to facilitate that. Why can’t I text in italics, Apple? WHY? There is literally no explanation that would satisfy me. Do you know how often I need to reference The Great Gatsby? A lot. And APA citation guidelines aside, people are reading my words without the proper inflection. Nobody knows when I’m making fun of them, which is most of the time. It’s a nightmare. I really need someone on this, okay? It’s time-sensitive.